stepinsidemyheart

Just me

Who am I? August 16, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — stepinsidemyheart @ 11:52 pm

Do you ever wonder who you are?

Somedays I’m just not sure.  Am I the happy-go-lucky, nothing-gets-me-down, always smiling girl I feel like on the inside?  Am I the girl who likes to go out with friends and have a drink every now and then?  Am I the girl who loves Jesus and wants to scream it from the mountaintop?  Am I the girl that feels like she’s constantly getting walked on?  Am I the girl that wants the courage to put a stop to being walked on?

I feel like there’s 12 different “me’s”…and I can’t find a way to mold them all together to just be ME.  Just one me.  That’s what I want.  But when I’m with this set of friends, I have to conform to how they are.  When I’m with another set of friends, I have to be more like them.

If you were to ask me who I was….how would I describe myself?

 

I would say I am constantly happy even though I don’t always show it.  I am shy, vulnerable, not confident.  I love Jesus, I believe in God but I don’t believe in everything the Bible has to say.  I like to have a few drinks but I don’t like to get drunk.  I believe in fairy tales and I believe mine is coming.  I believe in love and happily ever after.  I believe bad things can happen to good people and I believe that amazing things can happen to bad people.

How do I find a way to be me and stay me, no matter who I’m with?  Do I just have to be strong?  Is it that simple?  I don’t know.   But I want to try.

I just really want to be ME.  No holds barred.  No strings.  Take it or leave it.  That’s my goal.

 

Renewal and celebration. January 22, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — stepinsidemyheart @ 12:35 am

My mom (and stepdad) got me a book for Christmas called “Hugs. Daily Inspirations and Words of Promise”.  It’s basically an inspirational book with Bible verses and little stories for each day of the year.

I COMPLETELY forgot about it until today when it caught my eye.  I grabbed it up as I left for my sister’s house, thinking I’d have a chance to browse through the days I’d missed after the kids went to bed.  Well, of course, I didn’t–we turned on a movie and I had some pictures to edit so it stayed in my backpack.  When I got home, I opened my backpack and saw it sitting in there.  I pulled it out and opened it up to today.  I had planned on perusing the previous 20 days I had missed but decided to start with today.  I’m going to share the whole message from that day before I say anything else:

 

Bible verse: “Behold, I am making all things new.”  –Revelation 21:5

Message: “Each new day offers countless opportunities to celebrate life and to serve God’s children.  But each day also offers many opportunities to fall prey to the distractions of our age.
Ours is a society brimming with distraction that threaten to distance us from God.  In response to these distractions, our challenge is straightforward: we should focus on God’s promises, on His will for our lives, and on His blessings.  When we do, our everyday duties will become a cuase for celebration.  And when we trust God to lead us and guide us, He will renew us, just as the psalmist said in the familiar words of Psalm 23.
So today, honor your Creator by making your life a celebration.  After all, your talents are unique, as are your opportunities.  So the best time to really live–and really celebrate–is now.”

 

You see what I see, right?  Does this message not fit exactly into what I’ve been saying since I started this blog?  Newness.  Energy.  Faith.  Trust.  Celebration.  It’s all what I’ve been feeling.  I fully admit that I will often try to find signs in things that just aren’t.  But you can’t tell me this is just a coincidence–this was the purpose of my new blog.

It’s good.  Really good.

 

step forward. January 20, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — stepinsidemyheart @ 11:59 pm

I know I’ve been absent for a couple days.  Promise that will change soon :)  I have lots of things mulling about in my mind that I want to talk about but I have just been so busy I haven’t had a spare second to sit down and get it all out.

 

Let’s put it this way.  Some things have happened that would normally make the ‘old me’ completely give up on the ‘new me’.  Nothing outrageous and nothing horrible.  Just little things that are honestly so little, they shouldn’t even rate but…they do…so I will talk about them.  Because this is me right?  Anywho, they are just such small things and, any other time, I would have said “ok…well, that’s not going the way I wanted” or “that wasn’t supposed to happen” that I would have just given up.  But not this time! I’m still so invigorated and excited about life.  That’s a sign to me.

 

So excited.  Future, here I come.

 

something’s different. January 16, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — stepinsidemyheart @ 1:44 pm

There is something different about me.  Something I couldn’t describe even if I wanted to.  I can’t pinpoint it, I can’t figure it out.  But it’s there.  I feel it.

 

I’m excited and I love it.

 

off topic.

Filed under: Uncategorized — stepinsidemyheart @ 1:43 pm

I’m going to be off topic for a minute.

Well, I guess I’m not really off topic since this is my blog and I get to write about what I want :)  But, in terms of what I have been and intend to write about, this will be off topic.

I don’t think I’ve wanted anything more than I want to be a photographer.  It was never in my plans.  It was never included in my schooling, it was never in my future.  Sure, I LOVED taking pictures.  I always had a camera, no matter where I was.  But it wasn’t for any reason other than I wanted to remember those really great moments.  The ones that are always there in your mind but you wish you had on paper.  So I brought my camera with me.

But being a photographer.  As a career.  It was never in my plans.  It wasn’t a profession I sought out. It wasn’t a profession I ever considered.  It just wasn’t something I wanted.  And then it fell into my lap.  I can’t possibly think of a career that I would enjoy more than being a photographer.  (Hmm…maybe this is a second thing I never thought I needed??)

The truth is, it’s hard to start your own business.  Any business, really.  But photography especially.  People don’t understand why you have to charge the prices you do (I’ll get into that someday)…but I think the most frustrating thing is that I would do this for free if I could.  But I can’t.  I still have to pay the bills.  I want to move out into my own place.  I want to have a successful business.  I want to have a successful photography business.  I eat, breathe and sleep photography.  It’s borderline (or past?) obsession.

I want it.  And I will get it.

 

thought for the day.

Filed under: Uncategorized — stepinsidemyheart @ 1:06 pm

Adulthood is not about waiting for the right answers to get the life you want, but simply stumbling ahead and figuring them out in the process.

 

from the beginning. January 15, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — stepinsidemyheart @ 11:06 pm

I suppose I should start from the beginning and explain where all of this is coming from.  I full realize it will sound completely lame to a lot of people who don’t understand but that’s ok.  This is how it is for me. And one of the things I’m working on realizing is that what I think and feel is ok…no matter what other people think.

So.  What’s causing this fresh start?  Well…believe it or not, a trip 4 1/2 hours north chaperoning my little sister’s 5th grader trip.  Seriously.  Have you ever had the feeling where you didn’t know you needed something until it happened?  It’s an incredibly weird feeling, I’ll tell you that.  I’m one of those people who knows exactly what I need when I need it.  So this was a trip for me.  I mean, obviously I knew I would be chaperoning this trip.  It’s not like it just crept up out of the blue and I didn’t know it was coming.  But what I didn’t know was how great it was going to be for my soul.  For my mental well-being.  Just in every aspect of my life.  I didn’t know that I needed it.  But I did.

I’m sure you’re thinking “back up….WHAT exactly was this trip? And why was it so great?”  I’ll be honest…the idea of 4 days with 100 5th graders and a bunch of parent chaperones and teachers I didn’t know was a little bit daunting to me.  I’m quiet, I’m shy and I’m a complete introvert around people I don’t know.  Yet I didn’t even hesitate when my sister asked me if I would chaperone (clue #1, in hindsight, that I needed this trip?) As the trip approached, I became a little apprehensive…I’m just not the type to go out and just. do. something.  (Ok, I have to remind myself no one this is me and I can–and need to be–completely honest. )  I’m a complete homebody.  I don’t go out and party anymore.  A lot of the friends I used to hang out with most of the time are not necessarily people I want in my life.  I get nervous meeting new people.  I spend more time with my family than most people my age.  And, in complete honesty, if I was looking at my life from an outside perspective, I would think I’m kind of pathetic.  **I’m getting off on a tangent now…I am definitely coming back to this frame of thought though because I have a lot to say about it**

 

Back to the story.  The trip.  It was 4-4 1/2 hours north of where we live.  I went on this trip when I was a student in both 5th and 7th grade so I knew what it entailed.  It’s basically a week staying in cabins, spending 7 hours a day outdoors learning and doing physical activity of some type.  There is very little free time (I’m talking typically 15-20 minute pockets of cabin downtime).  The time is very structured so the students get as much out of the trip as possible.   A typical day went like this:

7am  wake up
8am breakfast
9-1130  morning activity
12pm lunch
1-330  afternoon activity
345-5pm recreational activity
530pm dinner
7-9pm Evening activity
930 pm Lights out

By now, your question is probably “And you came home completely refreshed after having virtually no downtime?”  And the answer is a simple yes.  What you’re not seeing is the bigger picture.  No television.  No cell phone service.  Healthy meals.  Milk, water and orange juice to drink.  No pop.  No work to worry about.  Hours in the outdoors (yes, it was cold as it’s the middle of January–but with all the snow clothes we packed, many of us were actually too warm!). I worked muscles I forgot existed.  I did things I really didn’t think I could do.  I met amazing kids and amazing parents.

It was literally a vacation for my soul.

I feel as though I’ve repeated that a million times since I’ve gotten home but I honestly don’t know how else to describe it! I can’t tell you what, exactly, gave me this new perspective.  All I know is that this trip is entirely what I didn’t know I needed.  I didn’t want to come home.  I wanted to spend another day, two days up there.  It was refreshing, invigorating.  Simply amazing.

Can you see where I didn’t know any of this was coming?  This was supposed to just be a trip chaperoning 5th graders.  I was there to help them, to watch them, to guide them.  But it ended up doing wonders for me.  I feel as though  I have new purpose in life.  And I’ll be honest, I’ve had feelings similar to this before.  Something happens, I feel refreshed, I say I’m going to make changes and, two weeks later, everything is the same.  I can’t promise that that won’t happen this time but I really hope it doesn’t.  No, I don’t hope–I am going to do everything in my power to make sure it doesn’t happen.  I want to succeed.  I want to be happy.  I want to be successful.  I want to make things happen for myself.  This trip gave me a head start…I just need to continue on this path.

That includes many things.  It includes continuing to eat healthy, continuing to exercise–those are two of the biggest things that, I think, changed my perspective.  I want to be healthy.  I don’t want to be skinny, I just want to be healthy.  This is a start.  What else does it include?  It includes silly, simple things like watching less tv, reading more.  Working hard for what I want in my business.  Pushing myself until I can’t push any harder.  It includes waking up earlier–not sleeping the day away.  Was I exhausted by 10pm during this trip?  Of course–but I felt like I had accomplished so much more.  There is so much more it includes that I will have to add later but this is just a start.

Remember how I said there will probably be a lot of random thoughts?  Example one, in this post.  Sorry ’bout that :)  Anywho, that’s a snippet (yes, I could’ve made it much longer!) of where all this is coming from.  I’m hoping to expand as the days go on because there is still a plethora of thoughts I want to get out as soon as possible.

But for now, I’m making good on one of my promises.  Bed time at 11pm so I can be up at 8am to start my day.  I’m sure I’ll talk to you tomorrow.

 

 
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